Strong 2.0

I've touched on my feelings about the concept of being strong before. I'm not much of a fan of it.

I was recruited by a good friend to write an essay for a contest to win $5,000 dollars for the non-profit that I work with. Immediately, I agreed, fully excited. Then she told me the topic of the essay. It was a combination of my story and what is means to be a strong woman.

Initially, I was frustrated. I still struggle to see strength in everything I'm going through, in the decisions I've made. How on earth can I write and essay about it?! I spent a week trying to write the essay by myself and I barely accomplished a sentence. So I sought out help and encouragement from a few very close friends, and mentors.

What transpired is really helping me rework my thoughts on being strong.

Most of my life I’ve been escaping my problems by focusing on others, but the broken pieces of that lifestyle left me barely functioning. The last 2 years of my life have challenged me greatly- with what I believe, value, expect, and deserve. I’ve done and experienced many things that I never imagined I would, both good and bad. My self-confidence hit an all-time low. I was so mentally and emotionally abusive to myself that I developed an anxiety disorder. While this isn’t something that I’m proud of, I’m very grateful for the clean slate it provided.

Everything that I’ve been through has forced me to focus on myself, and realize what I need in my life in order to be the best me. Initially, I hated it, but my supporters were adamant that I needed to rediscover myself. They’ve continually told me that I was strong for rebuilding everything that I am. Strong became a word that I hated, that hurt to hear associated with myself because I didn’t believe it. I believed that if I were strong, I wouldn’t have broken in the first place.

 I am beginning to see that investing in myself is the reason why I am redefining what it means to be strong.

A strong woman is committed to herself. She’s positive about who she is while constantly striving to better herself. This means becoming a more diverse, educated, well-rounded person. She understands that it’s ok to be weak, but doesn’t let it consume her. She’s secure in herself, despite the doubt of others. A strong woman is firm in her values and beliefs, and shares them without forcing them upon others.

Because she’s committed to herself, a strong woman is also invested in her community and her relationships, because both have large impact on her life, and those around her. She’s concerned with bettering the lives of those around her, through both positive communities and relationships.

I’m grateful for what I’m experiencing- my troubles turning into strengths, discovering beauty in the ashes, and embracing my life’s journey by sharing these experiences with others.

Stockholm.

I miss you, and I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I miss how you made me feel important. I miss hearing every detail of your life. I miss riding around in your car with you. I miss helping you through things. I miss being able to tell you everything. I miss our constant texts.

Even though I shouldn't.

You made me feel important to keep me around because standing next to me made you look better. Your life was so dramatic and stressful. You were reckless, and rarely concerned with how your actions impacted others. You'd yell at me and cuss while I was having panic attacks. I did tell you everything, but you never cared, and never listened. Everything was always about you. You just used me.

I'm the one that gave so much of myself to help you, to make you smile, to be there for you. I spent countless nights and phone calls listening to you, to your problems, just being there. When you wanted me to, I offered advice, and the rest of the time, I sat beside you, held your hand, and let you work through it yourself.

I finally got sick of it and walked away because I deserve better, and I know that.

So how is it that I'm stuck here, missing you?

It isn't fair...and I want to be done with it, I just don't know how.

I just don't know what to do.