Denver.

I'm sitting in my bed right now, window open with the cool Colorado breeze spilling in. I'm surrounded my kleenex, oatmeal, and the soothing sounds of Phillip Phillips and Mumford & Sons. My cheeks are stained with salty tears- from joy, sadness, comfort, pain, and a million other emotions I couldn't begin to explain.

Emotionally, I'm drained. The past 8 months have been far too much for me, but somehow, I'm still here. 

Tonight my school had a JWU Talks (similar to Ted Talks) on adversity. There were a variety of speakers, touching on the subject of overcoming adversity. Tonight  is the first time in my life that I have ever felt that more than a small handful of people understood- truly understood what I have felt like for most of my life. I didn’t even say a word, just sitting and listening; it is such a comfort to know that I’m not alone.

And it’s moments like this that leave me wishing, begging, praying that time will slow down, that I could miraculously spend the rest of my life at this school, with these people. There’s something about this place, the community we have- it’s so beautiful. We don’t all like each other, or get a long, or even know each other but hours like these have reminded me of the beauty of humanity. A group of people allowed to be so raw with each other, with their emotions and experiences that a person, who I have never talked to before, can hug me and offer supportive words. Even though they don’t know my life, they have given me a breath of hope, and each time we pass now, the simple smiles and hellos make things so much easier. When the people who know every detail of my life see my successes and not my failures, that they love and support me through everything. When they overflow with words of praise, I sometimes still sit there, lost, not sure that I know the girl they are talking about, they smile at me and tell me that I might not see it yet, but I will.

I can’t even begin to describe how much Denver has changed me. The last 2 years have absolutely broken me. I’ve done things, gone through things, that I never imagined.  I have come to the conclusion that life did not lead me to Denver for culinary school. I was brought to Denver because of the people whose paths I have crossed, and the impacts they have had on my life- both good and bad. I am grateful for both because every one of these experiences has brought me to this moment.

The past two years have broken me. Everything that I was has shattered, and while I'm nowhere close to being pieced back together, I am working on it. I don't think anyone really understands what it means to be broken until they've been there. I didn't realize how empty one person could be, and how long you could go without being happy. I honestly didn't believe it was possible to pretend for that long. I didn't realize that someone could hate themselves as much as I have.

In the last year, I got to the point of doing anything I could escape my emotions because I didn’t know how to handle them anymore. I was so overwhelmed and done with life that I didn’t even want to feel things anymore.

I have also learned a lot about people. I have watched people become the things they used to hate. I have seen best friends turn into complete strangers. I have been used more times than I can count. I’ve met people who are completely oblivious to the fact there is a world that exists beyond their existence, and it will keep going when they are gone.

I have also met some of the most beautiful people that walk this earth. I don’t mean physically beautiful, but in who they are. There is a quote by Markus Zusak, "Sometimes people are beautiful not in looks, not in what they say, just in what they are." I have never met anyone like them before. They’re the kind of people that I don’t know how to picture my life without because of the encouragement they’ve given me, and how they’ve never judged me. They’re the people who have given me the constant reassurance that they value having me in their lives when I ask them how they aren’t annoyed with me and the struggles I’ve had.

I have expressed a little bit of my concern with leaving this school, these people. Honestly, I’m terrified. I’m scared that I will go back to who I was, that I’ll be miserable again. Again they see things in me that I can’t yet. They see the love and the change and they tell me that it’s time for me to share it with somewhere new. They remind me that just because there’s distance, it doesn’t mean that the love has changed at all, that they’re just a phone call away.

And weekends like this remind me that it is time for me to start a new adventure. I have spent the last 4 days completing my ‘Colorado Bucket List’, which I didn’t expect to be able to do at all. I got to spend a lot of time with the people I go to school with, being young, having fun, and giving back to them with activities like JWU Talks, Battle of the Campus, and GDOF. I got another tattoo. I was able to go to a major league sports game. I made it to Red Rocks.

The tattoo is something that has been imparted on me the last few months, with all of the challenges I’ve faced, and how much I wanted to give up and go back to who I used to be because that’s what I know and it’s gotten me through 19 years. It’s something I constantly have to remind myself of, that no matter how hard it is, I’m going to do whatever it takes to be happy and healthy and live the life that I want to. My mom isn't happy about it, she hates tattoos, she thinks they're a waste of money and that I'll regret them. When I told her I was thinking about getting this one, she told me I should just make a bracelet that I could wear. I thought about that...but the days that I need to be reminded of it the most are the days that I wouldn't bother to wear the bracelet, the days that I look at myself and say that I'm not worth it. Just like my starfish tattoo has made me smile or brought back a memory every time I look at it, I know that this is going to be a source of encouragement and reminder of what I have already overcome.

I know that the next 2 weeks are going to be hard- really, really hard for me. Goodbyes are not something that I have been good at. I don’t know how I’m going to get in the car and leave the place that means so much to me. I have no idea what UNI is going to hold for me next year. I’m really not sure how I’m going to do any of this, I just know that I am going to do it.

I'm sitting here, in the conference room where I've had so many meetings and game nights with friends, 3 days later, finally finishing this post that I've been thinking about for a while now. I have spent the last few hours crying, smiling, and laughing because I have had an amazing time, and I am leaving a better person, which is all I can ever ask for.

Strong 2.0

I've touched on my feelings about the concept of being strong before. I'm not much of a fan of it.

I was recruited by a good friend to write an essay for a contest to win $5,000 dollars for the non-profit that I work with. Immediately, I agreed, fully excited. Then she told me the topic of the essay. It was a combination of my story and what is means to be a strong woman.

Initially, I was frustrated. I still struggle to see strength in everything I'm going through, in the decisions I've made. How on earth can I write and essay about it?! I spent a week trying to write the essay by myself and I barely accomplished a sentence. So I sought out help and encouragement from a few very close friends, and mentors.

What transpired is really helping me rework my thoughts on being strong.

Most of my life I’ve been escaping my problems by focusing on others, but the broken pieces of that lifestyle left me barely functioning. The last 2 years of my life have challenged me greatly- with what I believe, value, expect, and deserve. I’ve done and experienced many things that I never imagined I would, both good and bad. My self-confidence hit an all-time low. I was so mentally and emotionally abusive to myself that I developed an anxiety disorder. While this isn’t something that I’m proud of, I’m very grateful for the clean slate it provided.

Everything that I’ve been through has forced me to focus on myself, and realize what I need in my life in order to be the best me. Initially, I hated it, but my supporters were adamant that I needed to rediscover myself. They’ve continually told me that I was strong for rebuilding everything that I am. Strong became a word that I hated, that hurt to hear associated with myself because I didn’t believe it. I believed that if I were strong, I wouldn’t have broken in the first place.

 I am beginning to see that investing in myself is the reason why I am redefining what it means to be strong.

A strong woman is committed to herself. She’s positive about who she is while constantly striving to better herself. This means becoming a more diverse, educated, well-rounded person. She understands that it’s ok to be weak, but doesn’t let it consume her. She’s secure in herself, despite the doubt of others. A strong woman is firm in her values and beliefs, and shares them without forcing them upon others.

Because she’s committed to herself, a strong woman is also invested in her community and her relationships, because both have large impact on her life, and those around her. She’s concerned with bettering the lives of those around her, through both positive communities and relationships.

I’m grateful for what I’m experiencing- my troubles turning into strengths, discovering beauty in the ashes, and embracing my life’s journey by sharing these experiences with others.

Stockholm.

I miss you, and I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I miss how you made me feel important. I miss hearing every detail of your life. I miss riding around in your car with you. I miss helping you through things. I miss being able to tell you everything. I miss our constant texts.

Even though I shouldn't.

You made me feel important to keep me around because standing next to me made you look better. Your life was so dramatic and stressful. You were reckless, and rarely concerned with how your actions impacted others. You'd yell at me and cuss while I was having panic attacks. I did tell you everything, but you never cared, and never listened. Everything was always about you. You just used me.

I'm the one that gave so much of myself to help you, to make you smile, to be there for you. I spent countless nights and phone calls listening to you, to your problems, just being there. When you wanted me to, I offered advice, and the rest of the time, I sat beside you, held your hand, and let you work through it yourself.

I finally got sick of it and walked away because I deserve better, and I know that.

So how is it that I'm stuck here, missing you?

It isn't fair...and I want to be done with it, I just don't know how.

I just don't know what to do.

Strong.

strong (strɒŋ) — adj , stronger , strongest- involving or possessing physical or mental strength; solid or robust in construction; not easily broken or injured; having a resolute will or morally firm and incorruptible character; intense in quality; not faint or feeble: a strong voice ; a strong smell; easily defensible; incontestable or formidable.

With everything that I’ve been dealing with in the last 6 months, I have repeatedly been told that I’m strong. I’m strong for dealing with these things, for not running away, for doing things that scare me, and a hundred other reasons. I know that the people who are telling me this say it because they’re proud of me, because they support me, because they care, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard a phrase that frustrated me more than that has now.

If I were strong, I wouldn’t be dealing with any of this. If I were strong, I wouldn’t have broken. None of this would have transpired. More than anything, this feels weak.

I don’t show my frustration or anger because that wouldn’t be fair, but I wish people could understand, could feel how much hearing that hurts. It’s almost an insult, and it stings.

If anything, what I used to be was strong. I put up walls. I ignored emotions and problems for years. I focused everything on everyone else because they were far more worth my time than I was.

As incomplete as this feels, I don't know what else to say.

Living.

"Keep calm and remember your individual worth."

Early in the year I was supposed to go out with a guy who I had met once, and we had been talking/texting for 2 weeks before we decided to go on a date. We decided to meet at 9 at the bar we were going dancing at, so I arrived early, and waited nervously. 9 rolls around, no Mike. 915. 930. 10. No Mike. No texts. No calls. Nothing. I was upset, not because he stood me up, but because of how it made me feel about myself. I wasn't worth a date. I didn't matter. I was a hot mess for the rest of the night and the next day.

I talked to a good friend of mine the next day, and told him what happened and what I was feeling. He agreed that Mike was a jerk. He told me that I was worth so much more than this jerk, and that I'm lucky to have seen this side of Mike now, rather than when I was more invested. It took me a little bit to process everything, but I realized that my friend was right.

I didn't hear from Mike until about a week later. He acted like nothing was wrong, and I called him out on it. I told him that even if he had called and apologized or attempted to explain a day or two later, I would have given him another chance, but he didn't see any need to apologize for or explain anything. I laughed and told him goodbye, that he needed to grow up and learn some manners. MIKE SAID I NEEDED TO RESPECT MYSELF LESS. He told me my expectations were too high, and that I wasn't worth the effort. I told him that, although unlikely, it might be true, but that it didn't change my opinion of him. I told him that if he tried to contact me again that I wouldn't be so friendly.

Since the beginning of the year, I realized how little I thought of myself. I would deny that my problems were real or deserved attention. I would beat myself up about negative, and untrue things that people said about me, even from years ago. I considered myself a failure, even as a sophomore attending a prestigious private school, maintaining a 3.45 GPA, putting in numerous volunteer hours, and offering my every resource to friends and those who needed help. I was bright, creative, and fun loving- someone who loved and lived to help others. Friends and peers looked up to me, told me that I was a special person, that I had a bright future, and was consistently dubbed Miss Positivity or Little Miss Sunshine, people would recognize me as the girl who was always smiling. I would smile and thank them for their kind words, denying their praise. It made me uncomfortable, because I certainly didn't know this girl they were talking about, I'd never met this happy-go-lucky person. The one I knew was a constant mess, never good enough, never pretty enough, and didn't understand  why people wanted to be around her.

Six months ago, I would have believed what Mike told me. I would have agreed that I didn't deserve respect, and I would have given him 100 more chances because there was no way that anyone would take interest in me.

Until a friend confronted me, I thought that everyone had these doubts about themselves, and that it was completely normal. This is how I was treated and raised growing up, I didn't know anything else.

After my he confronted me, I thought that I had found my rock bottom, but I hadn't. I spent the next 2-3 weeks spiraling far deeper. I resorted to hurting myself again for the first time in 5 years, purely out of being angry with myself. I almost got kicked out school. It's the first time I looked at myself in the mirror and said that I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything.

It took that extra fall to gain the motivation to start working on myself.

Since the beginning of the year I have been learning to love myself for who and what I am. I have started spending time learning about myself, and finding out what is really important to me. I have been working to figure out what I deserve out of relationships.

Making all of these changes hurt so much more than I can explain. I have cut people out of my life who had been using me, people who were resistant to let me change or doubted my worth. I have spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep in the last 6 months. Never in my life have I felt more alone. I have fought- fought so hard- to prove people wrong, even when all I wanted was to go give up and go home.

Making all of these changes is also making my life so much more incredible.

The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote following the meeting where I was almost kicked out of school.

"A plan seems all too inconceivable, as I am unraveling a string of issues, discovering and dealing with them as I continue on this journey. There are no benchmarks to be set or a point where I can say I have beaten this. I have embarked on a life long journey of learning. Learning to love myself, to handle my problems, and respond in a healthy manner. I am unraveling 19 years of unhandled issues, and I am learning my way through it. This is a life long journey because I will be continually growing and changing throughout the years to come. I will be (learning to) continually falling in love with myself over and over again for the rest of my life."



Sometimes your only available form of transportation is a leap of faith. - Margaret Shepard

Definition.

Webter's defines love as the following:

"Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties."

It is something we learn about, experience, share, and reciprocate our entire lives. It is something that I thought I understood well, and maybe I partially understand it. I've always thought I was good at loving on others. However, receiving love has been a totally different story for me.

For the first time in my life I'm letting love in, feeling it, experiencing it. What a crazy, amazing thing it is. I am truly blessed to have a tight knit inner circle that truly cares and loves me, and is willing to stand with me through everything I'm going through. I don't even know what to say....it's just so beautiful.

Realize.

"And that's the problem with people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too." 

-K. Hoesini

Do you ever have those days that are going great, you're happy, the sun is shining, and it's just generally wonderful and then suddenly one little thing happens. Not even unexpected, but it just hits you hard and sends you spiraling? It really makes you think, and gets you emotional. I've had a few of those lately but tonight was definitely the worst.

It's been a variety of things all surrounding the concept of friends.

I'm friends with a lot of different people, and I'm there for them no matter what. Drunk, brokenhearted, sick as a dog. No judgement or anger. They know it, and appreciate the fact.

However, I'm finding now that the tables are turned, many of them have run for the hills, aside from a small group. They're ignore me, or pointedly avoid me. And it sucks. It hurts a lot....and I guess that means there's going to have to be some change....or maybe some learning. Because nothing I feel or they do will ever make me care about them less, but I can't keep expecting different from them and spiraling when I don't get it.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this right now or why I felt the need to share it, but I did. So I am. There's going to be a lot of thinking done, and it's probably a good thing that I've got spring break to really separate from everything and everyone to really think and clear my head.

Family Motto.

My family has always had this saying that they have impressed upon all of us grandchildren since birth. It's something that my grandparents, mom, dad, step-dad, aunt, uncle, cousins, and sister firmly believe, as far as I can tell anyways. I, on the other hand, completely hate it.

"Makes friends with people who are smarter than you, that way the more time you spend with them, the more it rubs off on you, and the better off you are."

Initially, this makes sense. At a surface level view, who would honestly disagree with this? Everyone wants to be smarter or better off.

Except my family takes it a lot more personally than that. It's something that is to be lived out, a qualification to be met. That's where I have big issues with it.

Let's start with the basics. If we were all to only befriend those who are smarter than us, we aren't going to have many friends because those that I would want to befriend (based on this thought) will have no interest in me. My life would be pretty lonely and dark if I didn't have the people who have offered me their hand to help me up, and to help me learn in my life.  And that's just the selfish facet of the issue, because it extends so far beyond personal gain.

Not only would we all be pretty lonely in life, but we would all be pretty damn stuck. Forward progress is impossible without learning, sharing, and action occurring at every "level" of intelligence. Humans were created to learn and grow from each other. If I become so wrapped up in my own advancement that I refuse to see and acknowledge those who I can help, I have failed as a human being. A speaker at the relationship presentation I attended said it best, "Our first responsibility, as humans, is to humanity."

Call me crazy, and trust me- my family does frequently. But I don't think you're living unless you're experiencing both giving and receiving directly. There is a natural ebb and flow to this, sometimes need to get more than you are capable of giving, hell, I'm there now. But in time, when you're ready, you start giving others what you learned in your time of need, or maybe just back to giving how you had been. A part of being gifted with knowledge is being tasked with educating others with it.

"You have not lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you."

- John Bunyon.

Hi.

Usually I try to explain a lot about my back story when I start a new blog, but I just don't feel like it. I don't live there anymore. Really all you need to know is I'm working on making myself better, on loving myself, and valuing who I am. This is just one way I'm trying to help myself.

To be honest, this might get really raw. It might not be pretty. It might not make much sense. That's ok.

I chose the title Intimate. because of a presentation I attended earlier this week, about relationships of any kind- friendship, dating, family, professional, and even self. One speaker touched on intimacy, about how it means so much more than physical relations. It's being being open and sharing yourself, your fears, desires, strengths, weaknesses, etc. with someone, including yourself. This is something that I think I definitely need to improve on, so I'm going to attempt it in this fashion.

I don't know what this is all going to look like, if I'll keep up with it, or how frequent I'll post. Let's just see what happens.