Denver.

I'm sitting in my bed right now, window open with the cool Colorado breeze spilling in. I'm surrounded my kleenex, oatmeal, and the soothing sounds of Phillip Phillips and Mumford & Sons. My cheeks are stained with salty tears- from joy, sadness, comfort, pain, and a million other emotions I couldn't begin to explain.

Emotionally, I'm drained. The past 8 months have been far too much for me, but somehow, I'm still here. 

Tonight my school had a JWU Talks (similar to Ted Talks) on adversity. There were a variety of speakers, touching on the subject of overcoming adversity. Tonight  is the first time in my life that I have ever felt that more than a small handful of people understood- truly understood what I have felt like for most of my life. I didn’t even say a word, just sitting and listening; it is such a comfort to know that I’m not alone.

And it’s moments like this that leave me wishing, begging, praying that time will slow down, that I could miraculously spend the rest of my life at this school, with these people. There’s something about this place, the community we have- it’s so beautiful. We don’t all like each other, or get a long, or even know each other but hours like these have reminded me of the beauty of humanity. A group of people allowed to be so raw with each other, with their emotions and experiences that a person, who I have never talked to before, can hug me and offer supportive words. Even though they don’t know my life, they have given me a breath of hope, and each time we pass now, the simple smiles and hellos make things so much easier. When the people who know every detail of my life see my successes and not my failures, that they love and support me through everything. When they overflow with words of praise, I sometimes still sit there, lost, not sure that I know the girl they are talking about, they smile at me and tell me that I might not see it yet, but I will.

I can’t even begin to describe how much Denver has changed me. The last 2 years have absolutely broken me. I’ve done things, gone through things, that I never imagined.  I have come to the conclusion that life did not lead me to Denver for culinary school. I was brought to Denver because of the people whose paths I have crossed, and the impacts they have had on my life- both good and bad. I am grateful for both because every one of these experiences has brought me to this moment.

The past two years have broken me. Everything that I was has shattered, and while I'm nowhere close to being pieced back together, I am working on it. I don't think anyone really understands what it means to be broken until they've been there. I didn't realize how empty one person could be, and how long you could go without being happy. I honestly didn't believe it was possible to pretend for that long. I didn't realize that someone could hate themselves as much as I have.

In the last year, I got to the point of doing anything I could escape my emotions because I didn’t know how to handle them anymore. I was so overwhelmed and done with life that I didn’t even want to feel things anymore.

I have also learned a lot about people. I have watched people become the things they used to hate. I have seen best friends turn into complete strangers. I have been used more times than I can count. I’ve met people who are completely oblivious to the fact there is a world that exists beyond their existence, and it will keep going when they are gone.

I have also met some of the most beautiful people that walk this earth. I don’t mean physically beautiful, but in who they are. There is a quote by Markus Zusak, "Sometimes people are beautiful not in looks, not in what they say, just in what they are." I have never met anyone like them before. They’re the kind of people that I don’t know how to picture my life without because of the encouragement they’ve given me, and how they’ve never judged me. They’re the people who have given me the constant reassurance that they value having me in their lives when I ask them how they aren’t annoyed with me and the struggles I’ve had.

I have expressed a little bit of my concern with leaving this school, these people. Honestly, I’m terrified. I’m scared that I will go back to who I was, that I’ll be miserable again. Again they see things in me that I can’t yet. They see the love and the change and they tell me that it’s time for me to share it with somewhere new. They remind me that just because there’s distance, it doesn’t mean that the love has changed at all, that they’re just a phone call away.

And weekends like this remind me that it is time for me to start a new adventure. I have spent the last 4 days completing my ‘Colorado Bucket List’, which I didn’t expect to be able to do at all. I got to spend a lot of time with the people I go to school with, being young, having fun, and giving back to them with activities like JWU Talks, Battle of the Campus, and GDOF. I got another tattoo. I was able to go to a major league sports game. I made it to Red Rocks.

The tattoo is something that has been imparted on me the last few months, with all of the challenges I’ve faced, and how much I wanted to give up and go back to who I used to be because that’s what I know and it’s gotten me through 19 years. It’s something I constantly have to remind myself of, that no matter how hard it is, I’m going to do whatever it takes to be happy and healthy and live the life that I want to. My mom isn't happy about it, she hates tattoos, she thinks they're a waste of money and that I'll regret them. When I told her I was thinking about getting this one, she told me I should just make a bracelet that I could wear. I thought about that...but the days that I need to be reminded of it the most are the days that I wouldn't bother to wear the bracelet, the days that I look at myself and say that I'm not worth it. Just like my starfish tattoo has made me smile or brought back a memory every time I look at it, I know that this is going to be a source of encouragement and reminder of what I have already overcome.

I know that the next 2 weeks are going to be hard- really, really hard for me. Goodbyes are not something that I have been good at. I don’t know how I’m going to get in the car and leave the place that means so much to me. I have no idea what UNI is going to hold for me next year. I’m really not sure how I’m going to do any of this, I just know that I am going to do it.

I'm sitting here, in the conference room where I've had so many meetings and game nights with friends, 3 days later, finally finishing this post that I've been thinking about for a while now. I have spent the last few hours crying, smiling, and laughing because I have had an amazing time, and I am leaving a better person, which is all I can ever ask for.