Living.

"Keep calm and remember your individual worth."

Early in the year I was supposed to go out with a guy who I had met once, and we had been talking/texting for 2 weeks before we decided to go on a date. We decided to meet at 9 at the bar we were going dancing at, so I arrived early, and waited nervously. 9 rolls around, no Mike. 915. 930. 10. No Mike. No texts. No calls. Nothing. I was upset, not because he stood me up, but because of how it made me feel about myself. I wasn't worth a date. I didn't matter. I was a hot mess for the rest of the night and the next day.

I talked to a good friend of mine the next day, and told him what happened and what I was feeling. He agreed that Mike was a jerk. He told me that I was worth so much more than this jerk, and that I'm lucky to have seen this side of Mike now, rather than when I was more invested. It took me a little bit to process everything, but I realized that my friend was right.

I didn't hear from Mike until about a week later. He acted like nothing was wrong, and I called him out on it. I told him that even if he had called and apologized or attempted to explain a day or two later, I would have given him another chance, but he didn't see any need to apologize for or explain anything. I laughed and told him goodbye, that he needed to grow up and learn some manners. MIKE SAID I NEEDED TO RESPECT MYSELF LESS. He told me my expectations were too high, and that I wasn't worth the effort. I told him that, although unlikely, it might be true, but that it didn't change my opinion of him. I told him that if he tried to contact me again that I wouldn't be so friendly.

Since the beginning of the year, I realized how little I thought of myself. I would deny that my problems were real or deserved attention. I would beat myself up about negative, and untrue things that people said about me, even from years ago. I considered myself a failure, even as a sophomore attending a prestigious private school, maintaining a 3.45 GPA, putting in numerous volunteer hours, and offering my every resource to friends and those who needed help. I was bright, creative, and fun loving- someone who loved and lived to help others. Friends and peers looked up to me, told me that I was a special person, that I had a bright future, and was consistently dubbed Miss Positivity or Little Miss Sunshine, people would recognize me as the girl who was always smiling. I would smile and thank them for their kind words, denying their praise. It made me uncomfortable, because I certainly didn't know this girl they were talking about, I'd never met this happy-go-lucky person. The one I knew was a constant mess, never good enough, never pretty enough, and didn't understand  why people wanted to be around her.

Six months ago, I would have believed what Mike told me. I would have agreed that I didn't deserve respect, and I would have given him 100 more chances because there was no way that anyone would take interest in me.

Until a friend confronted me, I thought that everyone had these doubts about themselves, and that it was completely normal. This is how I was treated and raised growing up, I didn't know anything else.

After my he confronted me, I thought that I had found my rock bottom, but I hadn't. I spent the next 2-3 weeks spiraling far deeper. I resorted to hurting myself again for the first time in 5 years, purely out of being angry with myself. I almost got kicked out school. It's the first time I looked at myself in the mirror and said that I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything.

It took that extra fall to gain the motivation to start working on myself.

Since the beginning of the year I have been learning to love myself for who and what I am. I have started spending time learning about myself, and finding out what is really important to me. I have been working to figure out what I deserve out of relationships.

Making all of these changes hurt so much more than I can explain. I have cut people out of my life who had been using me, people who were resistant to let me change or doubted my worth. I have spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep in the last 6 months. Never in my life have I felt more alone. I have fought- fought so hard- to prove people wrong, even when all I wanted was to go give up and go home.

Making all of these changes is also making my life so much more incredible.

The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote following the meeting where I was almost kicked out of school.

"A plan seems all too inconceivable, as I am unraveling a string of issues, discovering and dealing with them as I continue on this journey. There are no benchmarks to be set or a point where I can say I have beaten this. I have embarked on a life long journey of learning. Learning to love myself, to handle my problems, and respond in a healthy manner. I am unraveling 19 years of unhandled issues, and I am learning my way through it. This is a life long journey because I will be continually growing and changing throughout the years to come. I will be (learning to) continually falling in love with myself over and over again for the rest of my life."



Sometimes your only available form of transportation is a leap of faith. - Margaret Shepard